I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
