You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
