I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Randomize
