Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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