living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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