So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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