Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Randomize
