He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
