I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
