Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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