My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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