can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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