if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
two words: eviction party
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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