i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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