I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
