i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
