If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
