Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
