You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I did not marry a roomba.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
