You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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