Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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