he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
