By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
