I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
