I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just puked most of my soul out..
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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