you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
