Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
