so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
