I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
