I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
