I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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