upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
