you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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