Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
you never un-have a 4some
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
