is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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