Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
