I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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