No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
