I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
