I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
