just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
