i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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