Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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