I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
