i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
