Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
