Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
