Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i think i just naturally attract stoners
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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