How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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