lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
