Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
