my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
